I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia back in December. Diagnosis came with mixed emotions. Sure, I was glad I had some sort of excuse for the days I couldn't get out of bed or the (many) days I shifted uncomfortably at the reference desk. But I was also diagnosed with a "condition" that isn't really classified as anything and varies ridiculously widely from patient to patient.
The detriment, obviously, is not knowing what to attribute or not attribute to fibro.
Today, I threw my neck out. Again.
I woke up at my mother's in a terrible bed and had a stiff neck on my left side (a very common occurrence). I took a percoset from my mother (so sue me) and, of course, it didn't help. I suffered through a two hour car ride and started to feel a bit better.
I went to the gym, because the gym is supposed to, you know, make me feel better. I was going through my normal routine of squats, deadlifts, and benches when it happened. I went to get up from the bench after a set and did some sort of awful thing to my neck. What did I do? Of course, I don't know. Did I pull a muscle? Did I strain something? Who knows?
I couldn't turn my head. It hurt to support my head. I couldn't walk with my arm hanging by my side.
I tried some stretching. I tried some fancy gym equipment.
I became some sort of 31 year old invalid. My boyfriend helped me to the car, helped me close my door, buckled my seat belt.
I cried out as we drove over bumps, as we turned.
We stopped at the market, I could barely look left or right. I shifted my arm from my hip, to my shoulder, to over my head. I looked ridiculous. I hated my body.
So I've spent the greater part of this evening smashed against a heating pad. I took 4 ibu, I've had a few beers.
It still hurts.
So, is this fibro? Or is it a muscle imbalance?
What can I actually, legitimately contribute to fibro? Nobody knows what fibro is. Everyone's fibro is different. What am I supposed to think about every single thing that happens to me day to day?
Is the pain I'm feeling only so painful because I have fibro? Is it all in my head?
I'm going to go to bed and try to prop my head carefully, but will no doubt wake stiff and awful just like every other day.
I hope this blog allows me to meet other fibro sufferers. I hope we can figure out our enigma of a disease. I hope we can feel validated in each other.
